Man Utd prominent in slow news day rumour ridiculousness

There are three certainties in life: taxes, death and ridiculous transfer rumours. Whether the window is open or closed, there are no shortage of column inches professing, with dead-pan seriousness, that players with no rhyme or reason to be linked to a club will make the move of their life.

On slow news days like these, when meaningful football matches are in short supply, gossip is all that entertains.

So it is with a wide grin of gratitude that celebrates the rumours that have brightened our Monday morning when a flat Steven Gerrard farewell and a Phil Jones crawl are all that dominates the headlines:

Demarai Gray to Manchester United

The 33/1 top-three chances are expected to embark on another spending spree this summer and have already dipped their toe in the water with the capture of winger Memphis Depay.

Strange then, that the Mirror believes the Red Devils will head to the Midlands to land another chalk-hugging wide man in the form of Birmingham’s Gray.

The 18-year-old is widely regarded as a player of vast potential, but after only one full season in the Blues’ first team, is perhaps still some way off showing that he deserves a chance at one of the country’s elite sides.

Thomas Muller to Manchester United

United’s apparent summer warchest has got rumour writers everywhere worked up into an imaginative frenzy, with ESPN claiming that Van Gaal will drag his sack-load of cash to Munich to coax Thomas Muller away from Bayern.

After Radamel Falcao’s colossal failure and Robin van Persie’s injury woes this season, there’s little doubt that the Red Devils need to address their striking department. Arguing the German will head to Old Trafford simply because he was taken off in the Champions League semi-final loss to Barcelona, however, seems a little far-fetched.

Sandro Ramirez to Newcastle

With the La Liga title sewn up and the prospect of a Champions League triumph on the cards at Barcelona, their young players are likely to be in higher demand than ever.

Some of La Masia’s graduates have found themselves at such exotic locations as Stoke, Brighton, Norwich and Wigan. But the thought that Sandro Ramirez – the youth team’s latest hot prospect – will want to join a floundering Newcastle side under threat from relegation at 13/2, even temporarily, is quite fanciful.

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Matt Wiggins

No idyllic sound comes close to leather on willow for Matt, whose previous experience includes stints with Spin Magazine and Surrey County Cricket Club. It's not just cricket that interests him though, with football, golf, tennis and any American sport not played on ice all high on his list of favourites.